Secret Teacher: I dare not tell anyone about my personality disorder
You know me, you’ve seen me at parents’ evenings. I’m the teacher at the next desk – the popular one, the one you all want to teach your children because the progress made in my class is phenomenal. I’m a damn good teacher and everyone knows it.
What you don’t know is that I have a mental health problem. I was abused as a child and for years I endured appalling assaults – physical, mental and sexual – at the hands of several adults in my life. In these post-Savile days, you might wonder what happens to abused children. Well, we grow up – damaged and scarred, concealing our tragic backgrounds.
I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, a condition that can be linked to difficult childhood experiences. Thanks to people like Catherine Zeta Jones and Stephen Fry, we all know of bipolar disorder; borderline personality disorder (or emotional dysregulation disorder) is its lesser known cousin. You might not have heard of it, few have. On the rare occasions it’s discussed – in TV dramas, for example – we are presented as unsympathetic, desperate, out of control, suicidal and violent. The message given is that we are a danger to ourselves or others: avoid us – we are volatile and unpredictable.
But that’s not how it is. As with bipolar disorder, I have mood swings, but they are rapid. In the space of 15 minutes I can go from crying on the train because I see no point to my life, to entertaining large groups of trainee teachers with amusing anecdotes about the profession. My behaviour can be impulsive too; I spend thousands on my credit cards. Reckless, I suppose, but not dangerous, surely? And none of these have any impact whatsoever on my ability to teach.
But still, I do not dare tell anyone the truth at work. My psychiatrist warned me that the stigma associated with my condition is huge. It’s true. Even the name – borderline personality disorder – implies that there is something wrong with one’s identity, one’s personality.
It is much easier to hide under the “stress and anxiety” umbrella. Every teacher knows what that feels like. The problem there, of course, is that no one really believes I have different needs from others so I am not getting the right support. “Huh! We’re all stressed!” a colleague recently grumbled.
And in such a highly demanding profession, where you’re constantly exhausted and yet having to perform at all times, the functioning “normal” part of me gets smaller and smaller as term progresses. Near the end, it is hardly there at all. And that’s when the symptoms break through. It becomes harder to conceal the illness and I can no longer find the energy and enthusiasm to pretend. I am loath to ask for any more help as doing that would reveal more about my condition and I am terrified that
colleagues, students and parents might find out and hound me out of my job. So I struggle on alone.
If colleagues don’t notice, my students are more perceptive. They are with me for longer,
proportionally, and they notice little variations. “Is it ‘cause you are doing too much work, Miss?” they ask. When I smile wryly they interpret that as an affirmative. They know what it is like to struggle with heavy workloads and they do what they can to make things easier – running errands, handing out materials and even ticking each other off for poor behaviour until I am back to my usual self. They tell their parents that they think the school is overworking me and the parents are sympathetic. I know that would change were they to know the truth.
The real injustice is that my personality disorder is what makes me a great teacher. My idiosyncratic personality means that my classroom is full of fun, life, activity and industry. I put on a good show and motivate my students. They want to be in my lessons. One of my pupils told me I had made them love school and helped them go from nobody to somebody. From nobody to somebody. It doesn’t get better than that.
My changeable personality means I also have a very wide range of interests and in my lessons we discuss geography, history, literature, philosophy, science and politics. I teach my students what I know about the world, not just my subject. “Miss – you’re not a teacher, you’re an encyclopedia!” one of them gasped recently.
And I show them the care I never had as a child. I am there, day after day, year after year – dependable, caring and always ready to listen. I care for demoralised students in front of me like the pupil whose parents take drugs, beaten by life before it’s barely begun. I don’t want any of them to suffer as I have. When Marlon failed his GCSE the first time, I took him through the retake course step by step. A year later, Marlon got an A – four whole grades higher than before. I’m the teacher who turns up for work immaculately dressed, with perfect hair and nails, books marked and lessons prepared – the person that gives the impression that all is well in my world.
It isn’t, of course. I can get very sad and feel lonely all the time. When I am not in the classroom, I spend much of my time being reminded of my abusive childhood. The memories surface frequently and I am in emotional pain most of the time. I am extremely sensitive and very self-critical. I am very good at hiding the difficulties, but it gets harder when I am tired.
So, sadly I know that my days in teaching, to which I’ve given two decades, are probably numbered. The teaching is wonderful, but I can no longer keep up with the 70 hour weeks. It would be difficult enough for someone without a mental health problem, but for me, it is nigh on impossible.
I’d rather not quit – teaching really is the best job in the world, and the irony is that despite – and in some ways because of – my condition, I am an excellent teacher. I just need a little more support, more help and much more compassion. But that’s not forthcoming at the moment. Don’t write me off – I have a lot to give my students – but without more awareness and understanding of borderline personality disorder, I am not sure I can continue.
For example, the older age group are much more likely to anticipate a forthcoming test with nervousness and dread, whereas the younger learners display a certain amount of excitement and even pleasure at the prospect of being able to show off what they have learnt. I suppose this is not so surprising when we consider the fact that the outcome of senior tests are likely to have more serious consequences with the added pressure of parent and teacher expectations.
Another reason for the difference is perhaps the type of assessment that we, as teachers, often administer to juniors and seniors. Whereas the younger learners are usually assessed in a non-threatening, enjoyable environment; working in groups to demonstrate their collective ability, seniors are more likely to experience assessment carried out individually where they are expected to reproduce discrete language items from memory. This more formal type of testing would probably occur at the end of a semester or academic year and the results then used to write a school report and to determine where the student is placed the following year. This is known as overall assessment or summative assessment, which may provide straightforward results for teachers to analyse, but does not necessarily provide a clear picture of an individual’s overall progress or even their full potential, especially if they are hindered by the fear factor of physically sitting a test.
Formative assessment
The alternative type of testing is referred to as ongoing or formative assessment and as well as providing a more positive experience for learners it can also be invaluable for us as teachers, to see if our lesson aims have been fulfilled and our overall objectives have been met. It can also help us to assess student strengths and weaknesses and give us a strong indication as to which type of activities students like and dislike.
Examples
Here is an example of ongoing assessment, which I carried out with a group of 8-9 year old Portuguese learners in their second year of learning English. We were using a coursebook and at the end of each module students were required to complete an evaluation sheet that was divided into 4 parts.
Part 1 - A series of 5 or 6 tasks to demonstrate the skills and language they had just learnt.
These tasks were generally completed in pairs or small groups and would vary in type; matching exercises, sentence ordering, gap-fills, songs, miming actions, reading comprehension, labelling diagrams, describing pictures, performing mini dialogues etc. The important thing was not to repeat the same task-type that the students had completed in the module so that they were demonstrating their understanding of the language, not from memory alone, but by their ability to manipulate it in a different way. After completing the task students coloured in one of three related icons to demonstrate how well they had performed.
These statements were presented in a chart that students coloured in according to how well they rated their own performance. For example:
Part 3 - A simple self-reflection task to show how much the students enjoyed the activities in the coursebook module. Again, they coloured in one of three simple face icons.
Results
I found that the students really looked forward to these assessment lessons and were very proud of their completed evaluation sheets. Surprisingly, even at this age, they were able to self-reflect quite openly and honestly and did not automatically give themselves the maximum award if they felt it was undeserved. Sometimes, though, it was necessary for me to intervene if students were colouring in 3 pictures when they had clearly struggled to complete the task.
The opportunity to complete the tasks in pairs or small groups removed the pressure of being individually tested and added an enjoyable element to the assessment process. Clearly, there is also a necessity for students to be able to work independently, which is why students are asked to reflect on their ability to work alone in Part 2. If desired, an individual task could easily be included in the assessment to distinguish the stronger students from the weaker ones.
Summary
Overall, I think this type of ongoing assessment is effective not only in recycling and revising language but also in encouraging younger learners to be aware of their own abilities and needs and to perceive assessment as a positive experience.
As far as teachers are concerned, it is also an excellent way of monitoring student progress on a regular basis and discovering which activities students respond to more favourably. This is invaluable information when planning future lessons to suit the learning styles within the group as well as pinpointing which language areas and which skills need developing further.
Finally, I think ongoing assessment works best when it is combined with an element of overall assessment, particularly with seniors, who are perhaps more motivated by the opportunity to display their individual knowledge as well as their ability to work as a group. Personally, I find the productive skills, speaking and writing, which require a process of drafting and editing, are better suited to formative assessment, whereas the receptive skills, listening and reading, can be effectively tested using summative assessment methods. In this way learners benefit from the social, co-operative skills required for group work but also have the opportunity to demonstrate their individual potential.
- Overall assessment
- Formative assessment
- Examples
- Results
- Summary
Another reason for the difference is perhaps the type of assessment that we, as teachers, often administer to juniors and seniors. Whereas the younger learners are usually assessed in a non-threatening, enjoyable environment; working in groups to demonstrate their collective ability, seniors are more likely to experience assessment carried out individually where they are expected to reproduce discrete language items from memory. This more formal type of testing would probably occur at the end of a semester or academic year and the results then used to write a school report and to determine where the student is placed the following year. This is known as overall assessment or summative assessment, which may provide straightforward results for teachers to analyse, but does not necessarily provide a clear picture of an individual’s overall progress or even their full potential, especially if they are hindered by the fear factor of physically sitting a test.
Formative assessment
The alternative type of testing is referred to as ongoing or formative assessment and as well as providing a more positive experience for learners it can also be invaluable for us as teachers, to see if our lesson aims have been fulfilled and our overall objectives have been met. It can also help us to assess student strengths and weaknesses and give us a strong indication as to which type of activities students like and dislike.
Examples
Here is an example of ongoing assessment, which I carried out with a group of 8-9 year old Portuguese learners in their second year of learning English. We were using a coursebook and at the end of each module students were required to complete an evaluation sheet that was divided into 4 parts.
Part 1 - A series of 5 or 6 tasks to demonstrate the skills and language they had just learnt.
These tasks were generally completed in pairs or small groups and would vary in type; matching exercises, sentence ordering, gap-fills, songs, miming actions, reading comprehension, labelling diagrams, describing pictures, performing mini dialogues etc. The important thing was not to repeat the same task-type that the students had completed in the module so that they were demonstrating their understanding of the language, not from memory alone, but by their ability to manipulate it in a different way. After completing the task students coloured in one of three related icons to demonstrate how well they had performed.
- One icon = quite well
- Two icons = well
- Three icons = very well
These statements were presented in a chart that students coloured in according to how well they rated their own performance. For example:
| Never | Sometimes | Always | |
| I speak to the teacher in English | |||
| I do my homework | |||
| I try to speak to my friends in English | |||
| I work well on my own |
Part 3 - A simple self-reflection task to show how much the students enjoyed the activities in the coursebook module. Again, they coloured in one of three simple face icons.
- Sad face = didn’t enjoy it
- Neutral face = it was ok
- Smiley face = enjoyed it
Results
I found that the students really looked forward to these assessment lessons and were very proud of their completed evaluation sheets. Surprisingly, even at this age, they were able to self-reflect quite openly and honestly and did not automatically give themselves the maximum award if they felt it was undeserved. Sometimes, though, it was necessary for me to intervene if students were colouring in 3 pictures when they had clearly struggled to complete the task.
The opportunity to complete the tasks in pairs or small groups removed the pressure of being individually tested and added an enjoyable element to the assessment process. Clearly, there is also a necessity for students to be able to work independently, which is why students are asked to reflect on their ability to work alone in Part 2. If desired, an individual task could easily be included in the assessment to distinguish the stronger students from the weaker ones.
Summary
Overall, I think this type of ongoing assessment is effective not only in recycling and revising language but also in encouraging younger learners to be aware of their own abilities and needs and to perceive assessment as a positive experience.
As far as teachers are concerned, it is also an excellent way of monitoring student progress on a regular basis and discovering which activities students respond to more favourably. This is invaluable information when planning future lessons to suit the learning styles within the group as well as pinpointing which language areas and which skills need developing further.
Finally, I think ongoing assessment works best when it is combined with an element of overall assessment, particularly with seniors, who are perhaps more motivated by the opportunity to display their individual knowledge as well as their ability to work as a group. Personally, I find the productive skills, speaking and writing, which require a process of drafting and editing, are better suited to formative assessment, whereas the receptive skills, listening and reading, can be effectively tested using summative assessment methods. In this way learners benefit from the social, co-operative skills required for group work but also have the opportunity to demonstrate their individual potential.
